Tag: humor

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb...

You’re under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?...

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic....

My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat … I AM A CHIHUAHUA!”...

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle...

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea....

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?...

Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ I hear. ‘Can we please just try to have a good time?’ This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it....

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet....

You’re a very difficult person to manipulate, you know.””Nonsense,” he said. “You just have to promise me that I won’t have to do a thing, and then I’ll do anything you want.””Anything?””Anything that doesn’t require doing anything.””That’s nothing, then.””Is it?””Yes.””Well, that’s...