Tag: humor

Revenge is sweet and not fattening....

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend...

You can read minds, and you didn’t tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He...

Once again, I’ve been thwarted by the massive difference between my vision of the successful me and the me I’m currently stuck with....

Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort....

You couldn’t be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!...

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy....

I’m trying to make some sense out of the phrase “Everything happens for a reason,” and I think I’ve figured out what the reason is – to pissed me off....

I hate women who complain about being fat when they’re like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn’t a woman. It’s a boy with breasts....

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does....